Last Week I threw out WORRYING,
It was getting old and in the way.
It kept me from being me,
I couldn't do things my way.
I threw out those inhibitions,
They were just crowding me out.
Made room for my New Growth,
Got rid of my old dreams and doubts.
I threw out a book on MY PAST
(didn't have time to read it anyway).
Replaced it with New Goals,
Started reading it today.
I threw out childhood toys
(remember how I treasured them so)?
Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too,
Threw out the one from long ago.
Bought in some new books too,
Called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.
Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, You should've seen the dust.
I ran across an OLD FRIEND,
Haven't seen him in a while.
I believe his name is GOD,
Yes, I really like His style.
He helped me to do some cleaning
And added some thing's Himself.
Like PRAYER, HOPE and FAITH,
Yes I placed them right on the shelf.
I picked up this special thing
And placed it at the front door.
I FOUND IT - its called PEACE.
Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice.
Looks good around the place.
For things like Worry and Trouble
There just isn't any place.
It’s good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the old things on the shelf.
It sure makes things brighter,
Maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
~Author Unknown~
I received this email today from a mailing list at www.mountainwings.com. I found it so appropriate as this is exactly what I need to do in order to move on with my life. A very dear friend has been encouraging me a lot, and I haven't been listening to her as much as I should and I guess that is just because of my fear of letting go and moving on. So, I've decided to get professional help. Yes, I'm going to see a therapist. I think I really need to do this if I'm going to get my life back on track and actually start LIVING again. I've said it a million times. I'm a WONDERFUL person, a friend that anyone would want to have. It's time I stop beating myself up, tear down the huge wall around me and let people see the beautiful person in me.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The Passion of Hatred Pt. II
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy but at the same time devastated. I know that the person I used to be would have a lot of love to give to a child. But the bitter bitch I had become, made me sad. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Should I tell him? Should I just have an abortion without telling him? Should I have the baby? I didn't know what to do.
And I cried again. I talked to my doctor about it. He discouraged me from having an abortion explaining the risks, the possibility of not being able to conceive at a later date, blah blah blah. I thought about the whole thing for about 4 days. I decided to tell him. I felt that the bastard asshole had a right to know that he had impregnated me regardless of what I thought of him and the kind of father he would be.
You would think that hearing that you've created a life, that the act that somewhat proves that you are a man would make a man feel proud and happy. My "wonderful" news was greeted with
"Yu sure seh a my pickney?"
I tried hard to hold back my anger but I could not. I lashed out saying how could he ask such a question as if insinuating that I was cheating on him.
"I'm not like you, you know. I'm 100% faithful to you".
Needless to say, I'm sure you all know what followed. Another ass whooping.
This one ended the life of my child at 7 weeks.
I hated him. After all that had happened before, this was the last straw. This was the icing on the cake. This was the eye opener. This was the deal breaker.
This was when I finally left him.
I was free.
And I cried again. I talked to my doctor about it. He discouraged me from having an abortion explaining the risks, the possibility of not being able to conceive at a later date, blah blah blah. I thought about the whole thing for about 4 days. I decided to tell him. I felt that the bastard asshole had a right to know that he had impregnated me regardless of what I thought of him and the kind of father he would be.
You would think that hearing that you've created a life, that the act that somewhat proves that you are a man would make a man feel proud and happy. My "wonderful" news was greeted with
"Yu sure seh a my pickney?"
I tried hard to hold back my anger but I could not. I lashed out saying how could he ask such a question as if insinuating that I was cheating on him.
"I'm not like you, you know. I'm 100% faithful to you".
Needless to say, I'm sure you all know what followed. Another ass whooping.
This one ended the life of my child at 7 weeks.
I hated him. After all that had happened before, this was the last straw. This was the icing on the cake. This was the eye opener. This was the deal breaker.
This was when I finally left him.
I was free.
Monday, January 01, 2007
What Will The New Year Bring?
I'm not one for making resolutions? I think that is a bunch of crock. Why wait till the start of another year to make changes? Change in life as you go. Procrastination is for cowards. That's such a paradox because I am a big coward.
I've pretty much had myself in a shell for the past 3 years. Putting up the proverbial wall around me to protect myself from being hurt by people who take advantage of me, use me, hurt me. I'm so sick of it and wish that I could go out and be myself again. I used to be a very fun person, totally cool, wonderful to be around, the life of the party, always making everyone smile. Then, the series of bad experiences with men and friends have just made me realize that you can count on no one but yourself. No one else really gives a shit about you unless you can do something for them or give them something. I've long since realized the users of this world. Unfortunately, they seem to be in much more abundance that genuine people who care about you.
So, for 2007, fuck resolutions. All I can say is that I'm going to try to live a little bit more and try very very hard to come out of the shell I'm in. I'm 98% sure I will not succeed at this because I just can't get hurt again. If I do, it will be the destruction of me and my soul and I don't want that at all.
To anyone who reads here, not sure what your life philosophy is but if you do make resolutions for 2007, I hope you'll be able to live up to the committment you will make to yourself.
Happy New Year everyone.
I've pretty much had myself in a shell for the past 3 years. Putting up the proverbial wall around me to protect myself from being hurt by people who take advantage of me, use me, hurt me. I'm so sick of it and wish that I could go out and be myself again. I used to be a very fun person, totally cool, wonderful to be around, the life of the party, always making everyone smile. Then, the series of bad experiences with men and friends have just made me realize that you can count on no one but yourself. No one else really gives a shit about you unless you can do something for them or give them something. I've long since realized the users of this world. Unfortunately, they seem to be in much more abundance that genuine people who care about you.
So, for 2007, fuck resolutions. All I can say is that I'm going to try to live a little bit more and try very very hard to come out of the shell I'm in. I'm 98% sure I will not succeed at this because I just can't get hurt again. If I do, it will be the destruction of me and my soul and I don't want that at all.
To anyone who reads here, not sure what your life philosophy is but if you do make resolutions for 2007, I hope you'll be able to live up to the committment you will make to yourself.
Happy New Year everyone.
Friday, December 29, 2006
The Passion of Hatred
It is so hard to let go of the past. The past makes us who we are today and yet, we can't just put it behind us, let it remain in the past and focus on the future. Why? How?
I remember an encounter I had with my abusive boyfriend. He came home a little drunk one night. He came in the room, and in the bed. I was fast asleep. The next thing I knew his tongue was all over my body. He started kissing me from my calves up, my knees, my thighs, my back, my ass and he moved up my body till I felt his tongue trying to push in my mouth. The familiar taste of Heinikin was on his breath. I found it so sexy. I kissed him back lightly and asked him if he was ok. He then told me how much he loved me. I'm his woman forever and I'm #1. I guess it was these drunken rants that made me believe that he really did love me despite the horrible beatings I experienced. I mean, when you're under the influence of alcohol, you usually tend to speak what's really in your head right?
I told him I loved him too and we started to kiss passionately. Our lips and tongue were all over each other. He was hard and I love the feel of his pulsating dick inside my mouth. I was equally pleased when he placed his head between my thighs and started to eat me as if it was going to be his last meal. We continued to caress each other, taste each other, hurt each other. I couldn't take the torture anymore. I begged him to fuck me. Hard. The way I like it. He didn't refuse. When he started to fuck me, he looked into my eyes and with every thrust he gave me, said something nice. He loved me, he loved the way my pussy felt on his dick, the way I move my ass beneath him, the way my juices covered him, the smell, the taste, the fact that I was all his, he will never leave me, he can't believe I'm all his. We fucked. Him on top of me, me on top of him, him behind me, him beside me. It was wonderful. Feeling him, giving him pleasure, getting pleased myself. Complete bliss climaxed by me coming hard and him returning the favour inside me.
He fell asleep, and I cried. Cried because of the pain I know I'd probably feel the next day when he hits me for some bull shit, cried because I couldn't say truthfully to myself that we had just made love, cried because deep down, I loved him and it was all mixed up with my hatred for him. Then, I just felt like I couldn't walk away.
And then learned a few weeks later that a life had been created on that night which for me was filled with sexual pleasure but deep emotional pain.
I remember an encounter I had with my abusive boyfriend. He came home a little drunk one night. He came in the room, and in the bed. I was fast asleep. The next thing I knew his tongue was all over my body. He started kissing me from my calves up, my knees, my thighs, my back, my ass and he moved up my body till I felt his tongue trying to push in my mouth. The familiar taste of Heinikin was on his breath. I found it so sexy. I kissed him back lightly and asked him if he was ok. He then told me how much he loved me. I'm his woman forever and I'm #1. I guess it was these drunken rants that made me believe that he really did love me despite the horrible beatings I experienced. I mean, when you're under the influence of alcohol, you usually tend to speak what's really in your head right?
I told him I loved him too and we started to kiss passionately. Our lips and tongue were all over each other. He was hard and I love the feel of his pulsating dick inside my mouth. I was equally pleased when he placed his head between my thighs and started to eat me as if it was going to be his last meal. We continued to caress each other, taste each other, hurt each other. I couldn't take the torture anymore. I begged him to fuck me. Hard. The way I like it. He didn't refuse. When he started to fuck me, he looked into my eyes and with every thrust he gave me, said something nice. He loved me, he loved the way my pussy felt on his dick, the way I move my ass beneath him, the way my juices covered him, the smell, the taste, the fact that I was all his, he will never leave me, he can't believe I'm all his. We fucked. Him on top of me, me on top of him, him behind me, him beside me. It was wonderful. Feeling him, giving him pleasure, getting pleased myself. Complete bliss climaxed by me coming hard and him returning the favour inside me.
He fell asleep, and I cried. Cried because of the pain I know I'd probably feel the next day when he hits me for some bull shit, cried because I couldn't say truthfully to myself that we had just made love, cried because deep down, I loved him and it was all mixed up with my hatred for him. Then, I just felt like I couldn't walk away.
And then learned a few weeks later that a life had been created on that night which for me was filled with sexual pleasure but deep emotional pain.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Why?
Just when I think I see a silver lining behind the cloud of my life, just when I think I see the sun coming over the horizon to give me the warmth I've been looking for, just when it rains and cleanses the air, the earth and my soul, it gets bad again.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
Friday, December 08, 2006
I remember like it was yesterday
Sometimes I can still feel the bandages on my face. He beat me almost to death. Ok, I shouldn't have slashed his tires. But he shouldn't have fucked my so called friend either.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
My Christmas Elf Name
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