The Passion of Hatred Pt. II

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy but at the same time devastated. I know that the person I used to be would have a lot of love to give to a child. But the bitter bitch I had become, made me sad. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Should I tell him? Should I just have an abortion without telling him? Should I have the baby? I didn't know what to do.

And I cried again. I talked to my doctor about it. He discouraged me from having an abortion explaining the risks, the possibility of not being able to conceive at a later date, blah blah blah. I thought about the whole thing for about 4 days. I decided to tell him. I felt that the bastard asshole had a right to know that he had impregnated me regardless of what I thought of him and the kind of father he would be.

You would think that hearing that you've created a life, that the act that somewhat proves that you are a man would make a man feel proud and happy. My "wonderful" news was greeted with

"Yu sure seh a my pickney?"

I tried hard to hold back my anger but I could not. I lashed out saying how could he ask such a question as if insinuating that I was cheating on him.

"I'm not like you, you know. I'm 100% faithful to you".

Needless to say, I'm sure you all know what followed. Another ass whooping.

This one ended the life of my child at 7 weeks.

I hated him. After all that had happened before, this was the last straw. This was the icing on the cake. This was the eye opener. This was the deal breaker.

This was when I finally left him.

I was free.

Why?

Just when I think I see a silver lining behind the cloud of my life, just when I think I see the sun coming over the horizon to give me the warmth I've been looking for, just when it rains and cleanses the air, the earth and my soul, it gets bad again.

I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.

So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"

His answer was yes.

My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.

Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.

Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.

My Dream Guy

I'm optimistic that one day I'll find the man of my dreams. I'm not a picky person but I do have some standards and some criteria of the type of man I want and the qualities he should have:

1. Honest. No lies. I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth.

2. Non-Smoker. That is toxic and I refuse to be subjected to it in my home. This also extends to alcohol and drugs.

3. Ambitious. I do not want a bum. You have to at least have a job, even if it's not cushy and is only paying you minimum wage. Most importantly, if this is just a job to pay bills, there must be the desire to move on to bigger and better things.

4. Committed. I don't want a man who is going to be hopping, skipping and jumping around our relationship.

5. Faithful. This goes hand in hand with #4. No cheating. If I'm not giving you all you need, let me know so I can work on it if possible. If I can't, I'll walk away from the relationship. No point in us being together if I'm not making you happy and I'm feeling like shit for not making you happy. Rest assured, I'll be faithful to you. No creeping, no down-low relationships.

6. Supportive. Encourage me to always be the best I can be. If I decide to go back to school, don't be whining that I'm not spending enough time with you and all I do is study study study. I'll give you time for sure, but a real man will understand that what I'm doing is important also and that his support is critical too. And remember, that anything I do, I do it for the betterment of the relationship.

7. Selfless aka not selfish. No man who thinks only about himself will work for me. The world is not revolving around him alone if he's in a relationship with me. I must feel that I can count on him, that if he has 1 bulla, he'll give me 1/4 or if he has juice and water, he'll give me the juice!! :-) Just kidding about the juice, but I'm sure you get the picture.

8. Loving. I want a man to love me with all he has. I understand that I may not find someone to love me exactly the way I may want to be loved. But if a man loves me with everything he has, then that's good enough for me. It's important too to make me feel special at times. I like that. A little romance, an affectionate slap on the ass, a chocolate under my pillow will do the trick. It doesn't have to be some big extravagant gift.

9. Appreciative. He must appreciate me.

10. Respect. Most important. And it will be mutual.

Is he out there? I hope I'll find him ... someday.