Cleaning House

Last Week I threw out WORRYING,
It was getting old and in the way.
It kept me from being me,
I couldn't do things my way.

I threw out those inhibitions,
They were just crowding me out.
Made room for my New Growth,
Got rid of my old dreams and doubts.

I threw out a book on MY PAST
(didn't have time to read it anyway).
Replaced it with New Goals,
Started reading it today.

I threw out childhood toys
(remember how I treasured them so)?
Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too,
Threw out the one from long ago.

Bought in some new books too,
Called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.
Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, You should've seen the dust.

I ran across an OLD FRIEND,
Haven't seen him in a while.
I believe his name is GOD,
Yes, I really like His style.

He helped me to do some cleaning
And added some thing's Himself.
Like PRAYER, HOPE and FAITH,
Yes I placed them right on the shelf.

I picked up this special thing
And placed it at the front door.
I FOUND IT - its called PEACE.
Nothing gets me down anymore.

Yes, I've got my house looking nice.
Looks good around the place.
For things like Worry and Trouble
There just isn't any place.

It’s good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the old things on the shelf.
It sure makes things brighter,
Maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.

~Author Unknown~

I received this email today from a mailing list at www.mountainwings.com. I found it so appropriate as this is exactly what I need to do in order to move on with my life. A very dear friend has been encouraging me a lot, and I haven't been listening to her as much as I should and I guess that is just because of my fear of letting go and moving on. So, I've decided to get professional help. Yes, I'm going to see a therapist. I think I really need to do this if I'm going to get my life back on track and actually start LIVING again. I've said it a million times. I'm a WONDERFUL person, a friend that anyone would want to have. It's time I stop beating myself up, tear down the huge wall around me and let people see the beautiful person in me.

The Passion of Hatred Pt. II

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was happy but at the same time devastated. I know that the person I used to be would have a lot of love to give to a child. But the bitter bitch I had become, made me sad. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Should I tell him? Should I just have an abortion without telling him? Should I have the baby? I didn't know what to do.

And I cried again. I talked to my doctor about it. He discouraged me from having an abortion explaining the risks, the possibility of not being able to conceive at a later date, blah blah blah. I thought about the whole thing for about 4 days. I decided to tell him. I felt that the bastard asshole had a right to know that he had impregnated me regardless of what I thought of him and the kind of father he would be.

You would think that hearing that you've created a life, that the act that somewhat proves that you are a man would make a man feel proud and happy. My "wonderful" news was greeted with

"Yu sure seh a my pickney?"

I tried hard to hold back my anger but I could not. I lashed out saying how could he ask such a question as if insinuating that I was cheating on him.

"I'm not like you, you know. I'm 100% faithful to you".

Needless to say, I'm sure you all know what followed. Another ass whooping.

This one ended the life of my child at 7 weeks.

I hated him. After all that had happened before, this was the last straw. This was the icing on the cake. This was the eye opener. This was the deal breaker.

This was when I finally left him.

I was free.

What Will The New Year Bring?

I'm not one for making resolutions? I think that is a bunch of crock. Why wait till the start of another year to make changes? Change in life as you go. Procrastination is for cowards. That's such a paradox because I am a big coward.

I've pretty much had myself in a shell for the past 3 years. Putting up the proverbial wall around me to protect myself from being hurt by people who take advantage of me, use me, hurt me. I'm so sick of it and wish that I could go out and be myself again. I used to be a very fun person, totally cool, wonderful to be around, the life of the party, always making everyone smile. Then, the series of bad experiences with men and friends have just made me realize that you can count on no one but yourself. No one else really gives a shit about you unless you can do something for them or give them something. I've long since realized the users of this world. Unfortunately, they seem to be in much more abundance that genuine people who care about you.

So, for 2007, fuck resolutions. All I can say is that I'm going to try to live a little bit more and try very very hard to come out of the shell I'm in. I'm 98% sure I will not succeed at this because I just can't get hurt again. If I do, it will be the destruction of me and my soul and I don't want that at all.

To anyone who reads here, not sure what your life philosophy is but if you do make resolutions for 2007, I hope you'll be able to live up to the committment you will make to yourself.

Happy New Year everyone.