It is so hard to let go of the past. The past makes us who we are today and yet, we can't just put it behind us, let it remain in the past and focus on the future. Why? How?
I remember an encounter I had with my abusive boyfriend. He came home a little drunk one night. He came in the room, and in the bed. I was fast asleep. The next thing I knew his tongue was all over my body. He started kissing me from my calves up, my knees, my thighs, my back, my ass and he moved up my body till I felt his tongue trying to push in my mouth. The familiar taste of Heinikin was on his breath. I found it so sexy. I kissed him back lightly and asked him if he was ok. He then told me how much he loved me. I'm his woman forever and I'm #1. I guess it was these drunken rants that made me believe that he really did love me despite the horrible beatings I experienced. I mean, when you're under the influence of alcohol, you usually tend to speak what's really in your head right?
I told him I loved him too and we started to kiss passionately. Our lips and tongue were all over each other. He was hard and I love the feel of his pulsating dick inside my mouth. I was equally pleased when he placed his head between my thighs and started to eat me as if it was going to be his last meal. We continued to caress each other, taste each other, hurt each other. I couldn't take the torture anymore. I begged him to fuck me. Hard. The way I like it. He didn't refuse. When he started to fuck me, he looked into my eyes and with every thrust he gave me, said something nice. He loved me, he loved the way my pussy felt on his dick, the way I move my ass beneath him, the way my juices covered him, the smell, the taste, the fact that I was all his, he will never leave me, he can't believe I'm all his. We fucked. Him on top of me, me on top of him, him behind me, him beside me. It was wonderful. Feeling him, giving him pleasure, getting pleased myself. Complete bliss climaxed by me coming hard and him returning the favour inside me.
He fell asleep, and I cried. Cried because of the pain I know I'd probably feel the next day when he hits me for some bull shit, cried because I couldn't say truthfully to myself that we had just made love, cried because deep down, I loved him and it was all mixed up with my hatred for him. Then, I just felt like I couldn't walk away.
And then learned a few weeks later that a life had been created on that night which for me was filled with sexual pleasure but deep emotional pain.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Why?
Just when I think I see a silver lining behind the cloud of my life, just when I think I see the sun coming over the horizon to give me the warmth I've been looking for, just when it rains and cleanses the air, the earth and my soul, it gets bad again.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
Friday, December 08, 2006
I remember like it was yesterday
Sometimes I can still feel the bandages on my face. He beat me almost to death. Ok, I shouldn't have slashed his tires. But he shouldn't have fucked my so called friend either.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
My Christmas Elf Name
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Thursday, December 07, 2006
Thursday 13
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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Natalie's 7
I stole this meme from Gooders Girl.
WRATH
Who did you last get angry with?
Myself. I do that all the time.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If it was a matter of life and death, or if he hit me with the intention to hurt or degrade me.
How about of the same sex?
Same as above
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
My sister.
What is your pet peeve?
Lying.
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
So many grudges, so little time.
SLOTH
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Exercise
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Slept 18 hrs straight, got up at 2 in the afternoon.
What is the last lame excuse you made?
I can't go to church cause my skin is allergic to stockings!
GLUTTONY
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Mochaccino, lots of whip cream on top. Yummy.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Ok, I went to Asylum, had a mixture of drinks - 3 rum creams, 3 rum & cokes, 1 small bottle of Canei, 1 ting and vodka. I was totally drunk ... can you tell?
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Never.
Do you have an issue with your weight?
No I don't. I'm totally hot! Could put on a few pounds though.
LUST
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)
Oh boy, I've lost count, even not counting movies.
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)
About 10 but not more than 12.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Of course! Definitely especially if there's a tell tale bulge.
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Lips, Lips and more lips.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Nah.
GREED
How many credit cards do you own?
None ... pathetic I know, but I'm gonna fix that now that I'm EMPLOYED!!
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Collectibles & Starfish Oils ... always gotta look good and smell good.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definitely rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I would but don't know for how long I'd be able to do it. I need to be challenged.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Sure.
PRIDE
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Walking away from a very abusive relationship.
What’s one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
Getting my degree!
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Getting my PHD so I can be Dr. Cunningham, own a house by the sea, have 2 children with a wonderful man, complete contentment.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
No, I always lose with grace.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Cheated in a exam once.
What did you do today that you're proud of?
I did this meme.
ENVY
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Don't have friends per se, so I guess I'd say I'd want good friends around me.
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Tough one. Despite my pitiful life sometimes, I so enjoy being me. Ok, ok, I'd be ... Bono. For a rock star, I respect him for all the work he's doing with AIDS in the world.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yeah, uh huh, of course - I'm a 24 year old female in Jamaica. What kind of a question is that???
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish I had a straighter nose.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to say "fuck it" and mean it. I'm too passionate to do that.
What about you? What's your 7?
WRATH
Who did you last get angry with?
Myself. I do that all the time.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If it was a matter of life and death, or if he hit me with the intention to hurt or degrade me.
How about of the same sex?
Same as above
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
My sister.
What is your pet peeve?
Lying.
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
So many grudges, so little time.
SLOTH
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Exercise
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Slept 18 hrs straight, got up at 2 in the afternoon.
What is the last lame excuse you made?
I can't go to church cause my skin is allergic to stockings!
GLUTTONY
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Mochaccino, lots of whip cream on top. Yummy.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Ok, I went to Asylum, had a mixture of drinks - 3 rum creams, 3 rum & cokes, 1 small bottle of Canei, 1 ting and vodka. I was totally drunk ... can you tell?
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Never.
Do you have an issue with your weight?
No I don't. I'm totally hot! Could put on a few pounds though.
LUST
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)
Oh boy, I've lost count, even not counting movies.
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)
About 10 but not more than 12.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Of course! Definitely especially if there's a tell tale bulge.
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Lips, Lips and more lips.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Nah.
GREED
How many credit cards do you own?
None ... pathetic I know, but I'm gonna fix that now that I'm EMPLOYED!!
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Collectibles & Starfish Oils ... always gotta look good and smell good.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definitely rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I would but don't know for how long I'd be able to do it. I need to be challenged.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Sure.
PRIDE
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Walking away from a very abusive relationship.
What’s one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
Getting my degree!
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Getting my PHD so I can be Dr. Cunningham, own a house by the sea, have 2 children with a wonderful man, complete contentment.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
No, I always lose with grace.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Cheated in a exam once.
What did you do today that you're proud of?
I did this meme.
ENVY
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Don't have friends per se, so I guess I'd say I'd want good friends around me.
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Tough one. Despite my pitiful life sometimes, I so enjoy being me. Ok, ok, I'd be ... Bono. For a rock star, I respect him for all the work he's doing with AIDS in the world.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yeah, uh huh, of course - I'm a 24 year old female in Jamaica. What kind of a question is that???
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish I had a straighter nose.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to say "fuck it" and mean it. I'm too passionate to do that.
What about you? What's your 7?
Monday, December 04, 2006
Reflection
We seek, but never find.
We hope, what for?
We yearn to be loved, To be cared for, To be free
And then ...
we see our reflection in the mirror
Thinking we're not beautiful enough
We're not sexy enough, We don't talk enough
We don't listen enough,
To ourself, to anyone
Then, what do we expect?
For someone of come out of the clouds
And rescue us From our own reflection?
That's impossible, and sadly, We know it.
We are our own worst enemy, and pretend we don't know.
The truth, can it set us free?
What is it that we should see?
We are the masters of our destiny
So, why don't we let it be?
How can we truly be happy
If we don't know what makes us so
Our view of happiness is distorted
By influences of the world.
Happiness is not being skinny,
Being a supermodel, being rich,
Or driving a nice car.
It's not even about being with a man
Or making love
We know what happiness is not,
But what is it really?
No wonder we can't find it.
We don't know what we are looking for.
We hope, what for?
We yearn to be loved, To be cared for, To be free
And then ...
we see our reflection in the mirror
Thinking we're not beautiful enough
We're not sexy enough, We don't talk enough
We don't listen enough,
To ourself, to anyone
Then, what do we expect?
For someone of come out of the clouds
And rescue us From our own reflection?
That's impossible, and sadly, We know it.
We are our own worst enemy, and pretend we don't know.
The truth, can it set us free?
What is it that we should see?
We are the masters of our destiny
So, why don't we let it be?
How can we truly be happy
If we don't know what makes us so
Our view of happiness is distorted
By influences of the world.
Happiness is not being skinny,
Being a supermodel, being rich,
Or driving a nice car.
It's not even about being with a man
Or making love
We know what happiness is not,
But what is it really?
No wonder we can't find it.
We don't know what we are looking for.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
A Hectic Week
Life is so ironic. 1 month ago, I was sitting on my cute ass at home, wondering when I was gonna get a job. Now, I have a job and can now start to bitch about all the shit I had to do this week! The only saving grace was that I got my first pay check this week!!! I felt so good. I feel like a new woman and that I'm on top of the world. There's nothing like working and being rewarded. I felt like all those months I was at home, looking for a job in vain, feel insecure about myself, contemplating suicide, wondering how much longer I could survive without thoughts of ... let me not even say.
The important thing right now is that I have a job, not the best one, but it's ok, pay is ok and I can stand on my own 2 feet again. No feeling beats that.
So, what am I going to do this fine Saturday night with my money in hand? Curl up, watch TV, pop some popcorn and chill.
The important thing right now is that I have a job, not the best one, but it's ok, pay is ok and I can stand on my own 2 feet again. No feeling beats that.
So, what am I going to do this fine Saturday night with my money in hand? Curl up, watch TV, pop some popcorn and chill.
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