It is so hard to let go of the past. The past makes us who we are today and yet, we can't just put it behind us, let it remain in the past and focus on the future. Why? How?
I remember an encounter I had with my abusive boyfriend. He came home a little drunk one night. He came in the room, and in the bed. I was fast asleep. The next thing I knew his tongue was all over my body. He started kissing me from my calves up, my knees, my thighs, my back, my ass and he moved up my body till I felt his tongue trying to push in my mouth. The familiar taste of Heinikin was on his breath. I found it so sexy. I kissed him back lightly and asked him if he was ok. He then told me how much he loved me. I'm his woman forever and I'm #1. I guess it was these drunken rants that made me believe that he really did love me despite the horrible beatings I experienced. I mean, when you're under the influence of alcohol, you usually tend to speak what's really in your head right?
I told him I loved him too and we started to kiss passionately. Our lips and tongue were all over each other. He was hard and I love the feel of his pulsating dick inside my mouth. I was equally pleased when he placed his head between my thighs and started to eat me as if it was going to be his last meal. We continued to caress each other, taste each other, hurt each other. I couldn't take the torture anymore. I begged him to fuck me. Hard. The way I like it. He didn't refuse. When he started to fuck me, he looked into my eyes and with every thrust he gave me, said something nice. He loved me, he loved the way my pussy felt on his dick, the way I move my ass beneath him, the way my juices covered him, the smell, the taste, the fact that I was all his, he will never leave me, he can't believe I'm all his. We fucked. Him on top of me, me on top of him, him behind me, him beside me. It was wonderful. Feeling him, giving him pleasure, getting pleased myself. Complete bliss climaxed by me coming hard and him returning the favour inside me.
He fell asleep, and I cried. Cried because of the pain I know I'd probably feel the next day when he hits me for some bull shit, cried because I couldn't say truthfully to myself that we had just made love, cried because deep down, I loved him and it was all mixed up with my hatred for him. Then, I just felt like I couldn't walk away.
And then learned a few weeks later that a life had been created on that night which for me was filled with sexual pleasure but deep emotional pain.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Why?
Just when I think I see a silver lining behind the cloud of my life, just when I think I see the sun coming over the horizon to give me the warmth I've been looking for, just when it rains and cleanses the air, the earth and my soul, it gets bad again.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
I met a guy on Tuesday when I went to have lunch. He seems so great. He's polite, very gentlemanly, cute, not overly attractive but can go out with, in a fairly good job, has his own car, and is going to school. He was about 3 spaces in front of the line of me waiting to pay for his food. When we go to collect, it turns out we both bought the same thing to eat. I notice he's looking at my plate as I order (somehow I ended up getting served before him). He then says, "How come you're getting through before me, I know you were behind me in the line". I replied saying I'm not sure but I am so ... deal with it. He wasn't angry or anything, but he just said he wonders how much more we have in common since we both ordered the same thing. I don't think it was that special but there were about 12 things on the menu so considering we both had 11 other things to choose from, I guess it was kind of a coincidence.
So we get to talking. He works with a government agency. He likes me, he invited me out with him. Then ... the revelation. I ask my routine questions, one of which is "Are you with anyone right now?"
His answer was yes.
My next question was then why do you want to go out with me. He wants to be friends. I asked aren't you friends with your girlfriend? Why don't you go out with her? Of course he goes into this monologue about his girlfriend, their relationship and why he wants to go out with me. I wasn't buying any of it cause at no time did he say they were having problems. I think guys usually look out when things are not going well in the relationship with their girl. Am I right? Not that if he was having problems with her that it would make it right but I usually listen out for that.
Why do guys cheat? I mean, I know I just met the guy, but I will not be getting involved with him. I don't want any woman to be calling me telling me to leave their man. I don't want a man who can't spend time with me because he has to go home to his girlfriend/wife. I've been down that road and don't want to go back there again. He's nice and all but if we continue, I'll want more that he will not be able to give and I'll be sad all over again.
Are there any men who remain faithful anymore? I'm just so sick of men.
Friday, December 08, 2006
I remember like it was yesterday
Sometimes I can still feel the bandages on my face. He beat me almost to death. Ok, I shouldn't have slashed his tires. But he shouldn't have fucked my so called friend either.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
I found out about his little fuck fest with my friend. He even took pictures of her, of her pussy, of his cock inside her and in her mouth.. And tried to deny it when I confronted him. So, I let my anger get the better of me. After all, he was MY MAN and he said he loved me more than he loved himself. I was such a fucking fool to believe him. I mean, He had been married before, and got divorced because he had a child outside of his marriage. That should have told me of the type of man he was. But being the naive, always believing that there is inate good in people, I thought he had changed and had found someone who he felt he could commit to. Boy was I wrong.
We had a nasty fight. I fought back as hard as I could but he was so strong. And he was angry. He was mad. Sometimes, it's like I can taste the blood and flesh in my mouth from the pounding he gave to my face. I think he wanted to disfigure me. I got a few kicks too, not in my face but all over my body. I don't know how come he didn't knock me unconscious. I guess it was God looking out for me.
When I was in the hospital, they asked me if I wanted a counsellor to come and talk to me. I said sure but I didn't know what good it would do. I was already making excuses for him, just like the victim. I spoke to the counsellor twice while I was in the hospital. I should have gone back to see her but I never went back. I just didn't want to relive the whole experience. Then I would have to talk, tell her about my childhood, the abuses I suffered, the rape I was a victim of. I just couldn't to that.
So, I continued. But, I walked away from him. It was hard but easy, it was bitter but sweet, it was sad but happy and I was chicken, but I was brave. That decision saved my life I'm sure because after what happened, I'm pretty sure I would have let him kill me.
My Christmas Elf Name
| ||||||||||||||
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Thursday 13
 |
|
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Natalie's 7
I stole this meme from Gooders Girl.
WRATH
Who did you last get angry with?
Myself. I do that all the time.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If it was a matter of life and death, or if he hit me with the intention to hurt or degrade me.
How about of the same sex?
Same as above
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
My sister.
What is your pet peeve?
Lying.
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
So many grudges, so little time.
SLOTH
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Exercise
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Slept 18 hrs straight, got up at 2 in the afternoon.
What is the last lame excuse you made?
I can't go to church cause my skin is allergic to stockings!
GLUTTONY
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Mochaccino, lots of whip cream on top. Yummy.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Ok, I went to Asylum, had a mixture of drinks - 3 rum creams, 3 rum & cokes, 1 small bottle of Canei, 1 ting and vodka. I was totally drunk ... can you tell?
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Never.
Do you have an issue with your weight?
No I don't. I'm totally hot! Could put on a few pounds though.
LUST
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)
Oh boy, I've lost count, even not counting movies.
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)
About 10 but not more than 12.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Of course! Definitely especially if there's a tell tale bulge.
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Lips, Lips and more lips.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Nah.
GREED
How many credit cards do you own?
None ... pathetic I know, but I'm gonna fix that now that I'm EMPLOYED!!
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Collectibles & Starfish Oils ... always gotta look good and smell good.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definitely rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I would but don't know for how long I'd be able to do it. I need to be challenged.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Sure.
PRIDE
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Walking away from a very abusive relationship.
What’s one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
Getting my degree!
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Getting my PHD so I can be Dr. Cunningham, own a house by the sea, have 2 children with a wonderful man, complete contentment.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
No, I always lose with grace.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Cheated in a exam once.
What did you do today that you're proud of?
I did this meme.
ENVY
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Don't have friends per se, so I guess I'd say I'd want good friends around me.
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Tough one. Despite my pitiful life sometimes, I so enjoy being me. Ok, ok, I'd be ... Bono. For a rock star, I respect him for all the work he's doing with AIDS in the world.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yeah, uh huh, of course - I'm a 24 year old female in Jamaica. What kind of a question is that???
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish I had a straighter nose.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to say "fuck it" and mean it. I'm too passionate to do that.
What about you? What's your 7?
WRATH
Who did you last get angry with?
Myself. I do that all the time.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If it was a matter of life and death, or if he hit me with the intention to hurt or degrade me.
How about of the same sex?
Same as above
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
My sister.
What is your pet peeve?
Lying.
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
So many grudges, so little time.
SLOTH
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Exercise
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Slept 18 hrs straight, got up at 2 in the afternoon.
What is the last lame excuse you made?
I can't go to church cause my skin is allergic to stockings!
GLUTTONY
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Mochaccino, lots of whip cream on top. Yummy.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Ok, I went to Asylum, had a mixture of drinks - 3 rum creams, 3 rum & cokes, 1 small bottle of Canei, 1 ting and vodka. I was totally drunk ... can you tell?
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Never.
Do you have an issue with your weight?
No I don't. I'm totally hot! Could put on a few pounds though.
LUST
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)
Oh boy, I've lost count, even not counting movies.
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)
About 10 but not more than 12.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Of course! Definitely especially if there's a tell tale bulge.
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Lips, Lips and more lips.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Nah.
GREED
How many credit cards do you own?
None ... pathetic I know, but I'm gonna fix that now that I'm EMPLOYED!!
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Collectibles & Starfish Oils ... always gotta look good and smell good.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Definitely rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
I would but don't know for how long I'd be able to do it. I need to be challenged.
Have you ever stolen anything?
Sure.
PRIDE
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Walking away from a very abusive relationship.
What’s one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
Getting my degree!
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Getting my PHD so I can be Dr. Cunningham, own a house by the sea, have 2 children with a wonderful man, complete contentment.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
No, I always lose with grace.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Cheated in a exam once.
What did you do today that you're proud of?
I did this meme.
ENVY
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
Don't have friends per se, so I guess I'd say I'd want good friends around me.
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Tough one. Despite my pitiful life sometimes, I so enjoy being me. Ok, ok, I'd be ... Bono. For a rock star, I respect him for all the work he's doing with AIDS in the world.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yeah, uh huh, of course - I'm a 24 year old female in Jamaica. What kind of a question is that???
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
I wish I had a straighter nose.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
The ability to say "fuck it" and mean it. I'm too passionate to do that.
What about you? What's your 7?
Monday, December 04, 2006
Reflection
We seek, but never find.
We hope, what for?
We yearn to be loved, To be cared for, To be free
And then ...
we see our reflection in the mirror
Thinking we're not beautiful enough
We're not sexy enough, We don't talk enough
We don't listen enough,
To ourself, to anyone
Then, what do we expect?
For someone of come out of the clouds
And rescue us From our own reflection?
That's impossible, and sadly, We know it.
We are our own worst enemy, and pretend we don't know.
The truth, can it set us free?
What is it that we should see?
We are the masters of our destiny
So, why don't we let it be?
How can we truly be happy
If we don't know what makes us so
Our view of happiness is distorted
By influences of the world.
Happiness is not being skinny,
Being a supermodel, being rich,
Or driving a nice car.
It's not even about being with a man
Or making love
We know what happiness is not,
But what is it really?
No wonder we can't find it.
We don't know what we are looking for.
We hope, what for?
We yearn to be loved, To be cared for, To be free
And then ...
we see our reflection in the mirror
Thinking we're not beautiful enough
We're not sexy enough, We don't talk enough
We don't listen enough,
To ourself, to anyone
Then, what do we expect?
For someone of come out of the clouds
And rescue us From our own reflection?
That's impossible, and sadly, We know it.
We are our own worst enemy, and pretend we don't know.
The truth, can it set us free?
What is it that we should see?
We are the masters of our destiny
So, why don't we let it be?
How can we truly be happy
If we don't know what makes us so
Our view of happiness is distorted
By influences of the world.
Happiness is not being skinny,
Being a supermodel, being rich,
Or driving a nice car.
It's not even about being with a man
Or making love
We know what happiness is not,
But what is it really?
No wonder we can't find it.
We don't know what we are looking for.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
A Hectic Week
Life is so ironic. 1 month ago, I was sitting on my cute ass at home, wondering when I was gonna get a job. Now, I have a job and can now start to bitch about all the shit I had to do this week! The only saving grace was that I got my first pay check this week!!! I felt so good. I feel like a new woman and that I'm on top of the world. There's nothing like working and being rewarded. I felt like all those months I was at home, looking for a job in vain, feel insecure about myself, contemplating suicide, wondering how much longer I could survive without thoughts of ... let me not even say.
The important thing right now is that I have a job, not the best one, but it's ok, pay is ok and I can stand on my own 2 feet again. No feeling beats that.
So, what am I going to do this fine Saturday night with my money in hand? Curl up, watch TV, pop some popcorn and chill.
The important thing right now is that I have a job, not the best one, but it's ok, pay is ok and I can stand on my own 2 feet again. No feeling beats that.
So, what am I going to do this fine Saturday night with my money in hand? Curl up, watch TV, pop some popcorn and chill.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
In Honour
Birthdays are special days usually filled with reflection, thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future, the high and low points of the past year and resolutions of the new year ahead.
However you look at birthdays, it is a day to celebrate your life. No need for a fancy dress or a huge party with 200 guests. All you need is you, peace of mind and happiness.
To my special friend celebrating her birthday day, make it wonderful, make it special, make it count.
However you look at birthdays, it is a day to celebrate your life. No need for a fancy dress or a huge party with 200 guests. All you need is you, peace of mind and happiness.
To my special friend celebrating her birthday day, make it wonderful, make it special, make it count.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
What Kind Of Kisser Is Natalie?
You're a Romantic Kisser
Whew, is it warm in here or is that just you? When it comes to kissing, you get your drive from the lure of romance. For you, it's more than a meeting of the lips. You appreciate kissing for the rush and for what it symbolizes. Long-stemmed roses, candlelight dinners, and weekend retreats to bed and breakfasts. Sound about your speed?
You're a kissing partner who can go beyond the sweet surrender of locking lips to discuss the meaning of relationships. To really express yourself, you're probably one who's concerned with setting the proper mood. You might light a fire or take your date to a beautiful lookout before cuddling and kissing. You probably like to make a lot of eye contact, gently hug and touch your date, and talk tenderly about your feelings.
While your intensions are pure, your intensity might sometimes be a little overwhelming. Don't forget that being playful can also be a sign of affection, and remember, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.
What Kind of Kisser Are You?
Brought to you by Tickle
Friday, November 24, 2006
Strange Yet Funny Dream
My friend Tina* and I were running down Constant Spring Road. We were being chased by a troop of Kangaroos! We ran and ran and ran all the way to Half Way Tree. There we saw a "chi chi" bus. We jumped in, threw the driver out the window and I sped off down Hagley Park Road, heading towards Portmore. All of a sudden, we are parking the bus in front of Quad, in the middle of the day. We went into our bags, changed into our club clothes, went inside and just joined the dancing fun like nothing had happened!
So, there we are, dancing away, up comes these two guys to us, holding up badges, you know, like the FBI. They are investigating the disappearance of some Kangaroos from the St. Mary Zoo ... (don't even know if there is such a place). Of course, we deny knowing anything about any kangaroos. They then asked us if we wanted a drink or wanted to dance. We say yes, and while dancing with them ........................ they turn into bears!
Talk about strange, weird ... and kinda funny.
So, there we are, dancing away, up comes these two guys to us, holding up badges, you know, like the FBI. They are investigating the disappearance of some Kangaroos from the St. Mary Zoo ... (don't even know if there is such a place). Of course, we deny knowing anything about any kangaroos. They then asked us if we wanted a drink or wanted to dance. We say yes, and while dancing with them ........................ they turn into bears!
Talk about strange, weird ... and kinda funny.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
My Dream Guy
I'm optimistic that one day I'll find the man of my dreams. I'm not a picky person but I do have some standards and some criteria of the type of man I want and the qualities he should have:
1. Honest. No lies. I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth.
2. Non-Smoker. That is toxic and I refuse to be subjected to it in my home. This also extends to alcohol and drugs.
3. Ambitious. I do not want a bum. You have to at least have a job, even if it's not cushy and is only paying you minimum wage. Most importantly, if this is just a job to pay bills, there must be the desire to move on to bigger and better things.
4. Committed. I don't want a man who is going to be hopping, skipping and jumping around our relationship.
5. Faithful. This goes hand in hand with #4. No cheating. If I'm not giving you all you need, let me know so I can work on it if possible. If I can't, I'll walk away from the relationship. No point in us being together if I'm not making you happy and I'm feeling like shit for not making you happy. Rest assured, I'll be faithful to you. No creeping, no down-low relationships.
6. Supportive. Encourage me to always be the best I can be. If I decide to go back to school, don't be whining that I'm not spending enough time with you and all I do is study study study. I'll give you time for sure, but a real man will understand that what I'm doing is important also and that his support is critical too. And remember, that anything I do, I do it for the betterment of the relationship.
7. Selfless aka not selfish. No man who thinks only about himself will work for me. The world is not revolving around him alone if he's in a relationship with me. I must feel that I can count on him, that if he has 1 bulla, he'll give me 1/4 or if he has juice and water, he'll give me the juice!! :-) Just kidding about the juice, but I'm sure you get the picture.
8. Loving. I want a man to love me with all he has. I understand that I may not find someone to love me exactly the way I may want to be loved. But if a man loves me with everything he has, then that's good enough for me. It's important too to make me feel special at times. I like that. A little romance, an affectionate slap on the ass, a chocolate under my pillow will do the trick. It doesn't have to be some big extravagant gift.
9. Appreciative. He must appreciate me.
10. Respect. Most important. And it will be mutual.
Is he out there? I hope I'll find him ... someday.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Unwritten
These past year has been one of torture for me. I came out of a very bad relationship which left me swearing that I will never be with another man. It seems I had a knack for picking the real trash where men were concerned. I'm thinking about being with a woman, which I know can be just as bad or worse. If I come across a man I think is gonna do right by me, then I would give him a chance, but the pain, the hurt and suffering I went through, it's gonna take me a while to get to a place where I feel like I can trust me, and people in general any more.
On top of all that, I was unemployed. Looking for a job was like trying to find the gold at the end of the rainbow (y'all know that doesn't exist right??) It's like sending out resumes and replying to the ads in the paper were just a joke. Nobody called, nobody even sent a rejection letter. But, lucky for me I've gotten a break now. It's definitely not my dream job, it's not even remotely close to anything that I would even want to do but it's a job and it's paying my bills now and taking care of me, something that I didn't know would continue since I was on my last. I don't have to supportive family, no friends, so anything I do, I have to do it on my own, make it on my own. I guess that will make me appreciate more when I do achieve.
So, I've taken on a new attitude, the words of this song, Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten, sums it up perfectly where I am right now and what I intend to do.
On top of all that, I was unemployed. Looking for a job was like trying to find the gold at the end of the rainbow (y'all know that doesn't exist right??) It's like sending out resumes and replying to the ads in the paper were just a joke. Nobody called, nobody even sent a rejection letter. But, lucky for me I've gotten a break now. It's definitely not my dream job, it's not even remotely close to anything that I would even want to do but it's a job and it's paying my bills now and taking care of me, something that I didn't know would continue since I was on my last. I don't have to supportive family, no friends, so anything I do, I have to do it on my own, make it on my own. I guess that will make me appreciate more when I do achieve.
So, I've taken on a new attitude, the words of this song, Natasha Bedingfield's Unwritten, sums it up perfectly where I am right now and what I intend to do.
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
Monday, November 20, 2006
An Inspiration
Thanks to those who stopped by on my last post. I've been inspired to continue with this blog and I view it as a new beginning. Sometimes, you come across people in the world and for some reason you are drawn to them. It's not something you can explain but there is just something about them that makes you want to know them better. That's what happened and I'm glad to have this person as my friend.
With that said, I'm going to make a view changes to this blog, no more sad stories about the past, no more dwelling on the pain and hurt I've felt in the past but a new beginning, a refreshing start, with new friendships and new dreams.
Thanks again for being an inspiration.
With that said, I'm going to make a view changes to this blog, no more sad stories about the past, no more dwelling on the pain and hurt I've felt in the past but a new beginning, a refreshing start, with new friendships and new dreams.
Thanks again for being an inspiration.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Fuck It!
I think I'm going to take this fucking blog down. Nobody reads it anyway. I can't be bothered to post about my sorry-ass, sad-ass life. So, fuck it.
This may be my last post. Still have to make up my mind. If it is, thanks to the few who read.
This may be my last post. Still have to make up my mind. If it is, thanks to the few who read.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
What's The Deal With Immature Guys?
I just hate an immature man.
im‧ma‧ture [im-uh-choo
r, -toor, -tyoor, -chur]; –adjective
Definition #2 perfectly characterizes the immature man. It amazes me at the things a man thinks will impress a woman. I guess they probably think everybody is a gold digger and a skank who cares only about money, the bling, going out, wearing the latest, rolling in the hottest car, and knowing that the man they rolling with has the biggest dick to boot.
Do they even think about having a conversation? Finding something more stimulating to do than go to Asylum and Quad? Thinking there is more to a woman than how big and stiff her breasts are, how phat her pussy is and how round her ass?
I guess those men are really not men anyway. They are boys. Immature, emotionally undeveloped, juvenile, childish boys.
God help them.
I know there are real men out there. When am I going to find one????
im‧ma‧ture [im-uh-choo
r, -toor, -tyoor, -chur]; –adjective | 1. | not mature, ripe, developed, perfected, etc. |
| 2. | emotionally undeveloped; juvenile; childish. |
Definition #2 perfectly characterizes the immature man. It amazes me at the things a man thinks will impress a woman. I guess they probably think everybody is a gold digger and a skank who cares only about money, the bling, going out, wearing the latest, rolling in the hottest car, and knowing that the man they rolling with has the biggest dick to boot.
Do they even think about having a conversation? Finding something more stimulating to do than go to Asylum and Quad? Thinking there is more to a woman than how big and stiff her breasts are, how phat her pussy is and how round her ass?
I guess those men are really not men anyway. They are boys. Immature, emotionally undeveloped, juvenile, childish boys.
God help them.
I know there are real men out there. When am I going to find one????
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
A Poem I Wrote
Negative emotions, loneliness
Positive emotions, crushed
Feelings of love overwhelm me,
Then taken over by hatred
The thin line they speak of is real
The hurt, the pain
The tears, the drain
When does it end?
When do I get my big break?
Not a broken heart
Where did all my strength go?
I had some in the not so distant past
Taken from me, by life, by situations
By circumstance, by parasites
Whose sole purpose was to take
All they could from me
Perhaps being alone isn't so bad
The great wall of protection around me
Will keep me from being stepped on,
Walked on, trampled on, killed
Maybe life isn't worth it anymore
Maybe I should just die
NYC - 23/08/06
Positive emotions, crushed
Feelings of love overwhelm me,
Then taken over by hatred
The thin line they speak of is real
The hurt, the pain
The tears, the drain
When does it end?
When do I get my big break?
Not a broken heart
Where did all my strength go?
I had some in the not so distant past
Taken from me, by life, by situations
By circumstance, by parasites
Whose sole purpose was to take
All they could from me
Perhaps being alone isn't so bad
The great wall of protection around me
Will keep me from being stepped on,
Walked on, trampled on, killed
Maybe life isn't worth it anymore
Maybe I should just die
NYC - 23/08/06
Monday, August 07, 2006
Are We Really Independent?
Today Jamaica celebrates its Independence of 44 years. The question is are we really independent? With everything outsourced, infrastructure sold out, production almost now non-existent and imports at its highest ... can we really say that we are an independent nation?
I don't think we are but I am still proud to be a Jamaican. Happy Birthday Jamaica!
I don't think we are but I am still proud to be a Jamaican. Happy Birthday Jamaica!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Lonely
I get so lonely sometimes. I don't have many friends. Have been hurt too many times, stabbed in the back 3 times too many. Why is it so difficult to be yourself with others? Why can't people just accept you for who you are without judging you, trying to make you over, trying to change you. It just pisses me off.
I am a very nice person and because of that I get taken advantage of so many times and people think nothing of it because I'm also a very strong person.
I should really start posting on this blog more often. I have so much to say and had so many experiences that I would like to share. I think I'm a bit afraid to put m yself out there, my beliefs, my views, my excapades, my sexual encounters, me. All of Me. What do I have to lose? I have anonymity on my side. But a part of me would love for everyone to know the real me.
It is so lonely and I just don't know what to do anymore. What do I do??????
I am a very nice person and because of that I get taken advantage of so many times and people think nothing of it because I'm also a very strong person.
I should really start posting on this blog more often. I have so much to say and had so many experiences that I would like to share. I think I'm a bit afraid to put m yself out there, my beliefs, my views, my excapades, my sexual encounters, me. All of Me. What do I have to lose? I have anonymity on my side. But a part of me would love for everyone to know the real me.
It is so lonely and I just don't know what to do anymore. What do I do??????
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Wow.
Wow! I met a guy from Italia today online. It's such a coincidence since today was the world cup finals and it was between Italy and France .... And Italy won 5 - 3 over those french bastards! He seems to be very nice and interesting and into some very kinky sex. He mentioned anal fisting which I'm not excited about at all and told him as much. He's coming to Ja supposedly in August and wants to meet me, fuck me and take pics of my pussy. These are the things I've warned people about and I must say I'm slightly tempted to meet him.
We chatted on MSN today and our conversation left me wet, I had to touch myself when I came offline. Am I sick and twisted? Masturbating for/to someone I don't even know. I'm really desperado. I need to meet someone nice that I can connect with on every level. Someone who is interesting, ambitious, caring and into pleasure. Where is he? Or she? (I'm keeping my options open here). I can't wait to find them.
We chatted on MSN today and our conversation left me wet, I had to touch myself when I came offline. Am I sick and twisted? Masturbating for/to someone I don't even know. I'm really desperado. I need to meet someone nice that I can connect with on every level. Someone who is interesting, ambitious, caring and into pleasure. Where is he? Or she? (I'm keeping my options open here). I can't wait to find them.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
It's Been A While
That title is so appropriate. It's been a while for a lot of things for me:
It's been a while since I posted on this blog
It's been a while since I've talked to a few friends
It's been a while since I've been kissed
It's been a while since I've been fucked nice and good
I guess there is a time and season for everything.
It's not like anyone reads this blog anyway but I will continue to post. Someone may saunter around here one day.
So, to anyone who cares, I'm still alive. Things are not going exactly the way I want but I have life so I'm optimistic.
Take care everyone.
Peace out ... from Natalie.
It's been a while since I posted on this blog
It's been a while since I've talked to a few friends
It's been a while since I've been kissed
It's been a while since I've been fucked nice and good
I guess there is a time and season for everything.
It's not like anyone reads this blog anyway but I will continue to post. Someone may saunter around here one day.
So, to anyone who cares, I'm still alive. Things are not going exactly the way I want but I have life so I'm optimistic.
Take care everyone.
Peace out ... from Natalie.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Memories ... cont'd
Bret wanted to know how to go down on a woman. I had never had a man go down on me before so I was very excited about the prospect of finally experiencing this great sexual encounter I had heard so much about. We arranged to meet at the usual spot on Sunday night. So as not to arouse much suspiscion, I went there early before he came over. As our luck would have it, only the man of the house was home, the 2 girls and baby boy and mother were at the grand parents so it made it much easier for us to be alone. As the time got darker and later, Bret had actually gotten a VHS of porn for us to watch ... Him did really serious. So, we proceeded to watch.
It started with innocent little touches of my breasts and nipples. Light squeezes, hard pinches, firm rubbing. I was enjoying every minute of it and my pussy started to get wetter and wetter with his every touch. He left me for about 2 minutes during which I continued to touch myself. When he came back he told me that he just went to see if the man of the house was asleep or what ... and he was. I had worn a skirt so that his access would be easy and seemless and in case we thought we would get caught, it would be easy for me to fix my clothes so no one would suspect what was really happening. He raised my skirt, pushed my panty aside and started to kiss me between my legs. I was ecstatic. The first touch of his tongue on my pussy was electrifying. He continued to suck and lick, bite and pull all parts of my pussy, each arousing me in a totally different way. By then, we had forgotten about the movie in the video since we were basically making our own blue movie at that time.
It didn't take long for my first orgasm to rock over my body. He focussed on my clit just perfectly. It was hard to believe that he was doing this for the first time. Whatever he had been watching had taught him well cause he was giving me a pleasure I had never felt before.
After cumming very hard, we took a break and I asked him,
"Are you sure you have never done this before?"
He assured me that this was his first time.
I found it very hard to believe and he said he enjoyed it so much. I asked him what was it he liked about doing it:
1. The way I tasted
2. The way my pussy felt in his mouth
3. How wet it got me, so much more than when he fondles me
4. The way I react when he touches certain spots with his tongue
5. Feeling me cum all over his face
6. The level of pleasure it gave me
He gave me 6 orgasms that night. I finally experienced the "climbing the wall backwards" that I had heard occurs when a man goes down on a woman. It was like he couldn't get enough of me and every time he made me come again it was just like he wanted to do it again and again and again. Honestly, I don't think I could have managed another orgasm that night, although he begged me so much. He followed me home and wanted to go down on me right outside my house on the stairs. I had to send him home telling him to save some for another time. He finally agreed. When I got inside, I just remembered each orgasm he gave me that night and just smiled with pleasure.
It started with innocent little touches of my breasts and nipples. Light squeezes, hard pinches, firm rubbing. I was enjoying every minute of it and my pussy started to get wetter and wetter with his every touch. He left me for about 2 minutes during which I continued to touch myself. When he came back he told me that he just went to see if the man of the house was asleep or what ... and he was. I had worn a skirt so that his access would be easy and seemless and in case we thought we would get caught, it would be easy for me to fix my clothes so no one would suspect what was really happening. He raised my skirt, pushed my panty aside and started to kiss me between my legs. I was ecstatic. The first touch of his tongue on my pussy was electrifying. He continued to suck and lick, bite and pull all parts of my pussy, each arousing me in a totally different way. By then, we had forgotten about the movie in the video since we were basically making our own blue movie at that time.
It didn't take long for my first orgasm to rock over my body. He focussed on my clit just perfectly. It was hard to believe that he was doing this for the first time. Whatever he had been watching had taught him well cause he was giving me a pleasure I had never felt before.
After cumming very hard, we took a break and I asked him,
"Are you sure you have never done this before?"
He assured me that this was his first time.
I found it very hard to believe and he said he enjoyed it so much. I asked him what was it he liked about doing it:
1. The way I tasted
2. The way my pussy felt in his mouth
3. How wet it got me, so much more than when he fondles me
4. The way I react when he touches certain spots with his tongue
5. Feeling me cum all over his face
6. The level of pleasure it gave me
He gave me 6 orgasms that night. I finally experienced the "climbing the wall backwards" that I had heard occurs when a man goes down on a woman. It was like he couldn't get enough of me and every time he made me come again it was just like he wanted to do it again and again and again. Honestly, I don't think I could have managed another orgasm that night, although he begged me so much. He followed me home and wanted to go down on me right outside my house on the stairs. I had to send him home telling him to save some for another time. He finally agreed. When I got inside, I just remembered each orgasm he gave me that night and just smiled with pleasure.
Huh ... Now U Know.
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Natalie!
- If every star in the Milky Way was a grain of salt they would fill Natalie.
- The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr Natalie Head!
- Over half of Americans are officially Natalie!
- Peanuts and Natalie are beans.
- Julius Caesar wore a laurel wreath to cover up Natalie!
- Olympic badminton rules say that Natalie must have exactly fourteen feathers.
- Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Natalie in a day.
- Red Natalie at night, shepherd's delight. Red Natalie at morning, shepherd's warning.
- Natalieomancy is the art of telling the future with Natalie.
- Banging your head against Natalie uses 150 calories an hour.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Men ... when will some of them get it??
This past week, I played the role of counsellor to 3 women who are having problems with their man. Even though I'm younger than most of these women, some say I am wise beyond my years and people, even those I consider mere acqauintances come to me for advice because they know I'll keep it real, I won't take sides, I'll be objective and give them my honest opinion.
The scenario that got to me the most was one of a woman, 37 years old. Involved in a relationship with a man for almost 20 years. They share 2 children together. Now, the man was called away as a result of his job for a short stint and the short stint turned into 4 years and counting. Needless to say he basically started another life while away on assignment, almost neglecting his family and told lie upon lie upon lie. Even when he was confronted with evidence of his infidelity, he still continued to vehemently deny the allegations brought against him.
What is it about a man that prevents them from being faithful? If you love someone, why would you want to do something that you KNOW would hurt the person you claim to love if they knew about it? The saying "Wheh eye nuh see, heart nuh leap" is such a true statement. "What you don't know won't hurt you".
I would never tell someone to leave their man. That is their own decision to make. What I try to do is to make the picture clearer. "Love is Blind". I hate to hear of people being hurt in relationships. For this woman, she has remained faithful to him for the entire time that he has been away and I can only imagine the pain and hurt she felt looking at those pictures of her man with another woman in very intimate situations. On top of it, these other women were calling her, and telling her that the man told them that there was no relationship between him and her and that she is just the mother of his children. That is like a slap in the face to someone who has been resisting temptation, raising your children, taking care of business at home, dealing with various situations of violence experienced. I'm so relieved she didn't have a nervous breakdown.
Ok, it's official: Men are complete idiots who don't know a good thing when they see one or have it. They don't give a shit about anything else but themselves, and yet expect us to be faithful, take care of their every need, satisfy them in bed, raise their children, pay the bills and I could go on and on and on. When will they get it? Wishful thinking, cause I believe they never will.
The scenario that got to me the most was one of a woman, 37 years old. Involved in a relationship with a man for almost 20 years. They share 2 children together. Now, the man was called away as a result of his job for a short stint and the short stint turned into 4 years and counting. Needless to say he basically started another life while away on assignment, almost neglecting his family and told lie upon lie upon lie. Even when he was confronted with evidence of his infidelity, he still continued to vehemently deny the allegations brought against him.
What is it about a man that prevents them from being faithful? If you love someone, why would you want to do something that you KNOW would hurt the person you claim to love if they knew about it? The saying "Wheh eye nuh see, heart nuh leap" is such a true statement. "What you don't know won't hurt you".
I would never tell someone to leave their man. That is their own decision to make. What I try to do is to make the picture clearer. "Love is Blind". I hate to hear of people being hurt in relationships. For this woman, she has remained faithful to him for the entire time that he has been away and I can only imagine the pain and hurt she felt looking at those pictures of her man with another woman in very intimate situations. On top of it, these other women were calling her, and telling her that the man told them that there was no relationship between him and her and that she is just the mother of his children. That is like a slap in the face to someone who has been resisting temptation, raising your children, taking care of business at home, dealing with various situations of violence experienced. I'm so relieved she didn't have a nervous breakdown.
Ok, it's official: Men are complete idiots who don't know a good thing when they see one or have it. They don't give a shit about anything else but themselves, and yet expect us to be faithful, take care of their every need, satisfy them in bed, raise their children, pay the bills and I could go on and on and on. When will they get it? Wishful thinking, cause I believe they never will.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Memories
Today I was remembering a very exhilirating experience that started to happen to me when I was about 14 years old. I learnt at a very early age about my sexuality. Background: I was sexually molested at a young age by a family member, was hurt about it, felt violated about it and not sure what to do about it. It was shortly after this awful experience that I started to masturbate. Giving myself pleasure was the only thing on my mind. Every chance I got to be alone would find me touching myself over and over again, trying to find that one spot that made me feel "good".
When I was 16, I formally met a guy, we'll call him Bret, through some friends of my family. I had seen him around in my neighbourhood but we never spoke before. Bret was younger than I was. Maybe 13 or so. I always noticed him looking at me. I knew I was quite sexy but thought it presumptious of this "little boy" to be looking at me. Well, one day, Bret and I were alone at our friend's house. He said he was bored and wanted something to do and I was horny as hell.
Me: "Have you ever touched a woman?"
B: "No"
Me: "Come here"
He didn't resist. He came to sit in the couch with me and I told him to touch my breasts. He was very clumsy as this was his first experience with a woman. He wasn't doing it quite right so I had to direct him, tell him what to do, where to touch, how hard, how fast, where to squeeze and so on. I must say that he was a fast learner. After this lesson, I proceeded to teach him how to use his mouth. It was almost like all of this just came naturally to him because by the time we were through on that day, he was feeling and touching my breasts better than some of the men that had gotten the chance to do so before him.
What excited me even more was how interested Bret was in learning. After that day, he would constantly call me to ask me when was his next lesson. And so began the student-teacher relationship between us. In addition, he had now developed this passion for porn "blue movies" and also became an avid watcher of those. He even shared a few of them with me whenever we had the house to ourselves.
You can only imagine my shock when a couple of weeks after, Bret called to say that he wants to know how to go down on a woman.
When I was 16, I formally met a guy, we'll call him Bret, through some friends of my family. I had seen him around in my neighbourhood but we never spoke before. Bret was younger than I was. Maybe 13 or so. I always noticed him looking at me. I knew I was quite sexy but thought it presumptious of this "little boy" to be looking at me. Well, one day, Bret and I were alone at our friend's house. He said he was bored and wanted something to do and I was horny as hell.
Me: "Have you ever touched a woman?"
B: "No"
Me: "Come here"
He didn't resist. He came to sit in the couch with me and I told him to touch my breasts. He was very clumsy as this was his first experience with a woman. He wasn't doing it quite right so I had to direct him, tell him what to do, where to touch, how hard, how fast, where to squeeze and so on. I must say that he was a fast learner. After this lesson, I proceeded to teach him how to use his mouth. It was almost like all of this just came naturally to him because by the time we were through on that day, he was feeling and touching my breasts better than some of the men that had gotten the chance to do so before him.
What excited me even more was how interested Bret was in learning. After that day, he would constantly call me to ask me when was his next lesson. And so began the student-teacher relationship between us. In addition, he had now developed this passion for porn "blue movies" and also became an avid watcher of those. He even shared a few of them with me whenever we had the house to ourselves.
You can only imagine my shock when a couple of weeks after, Bret called to say that he wants to know how to go down on a woman.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Depression
I'm so fucking depressed. I'm feeling overwhelmed with loneliness. Is it right for someone as sweet as me to feel this way? Why am I always hurt over and over again? Because I fucking allow people to take advantage of my feelings all the fucking time. It is depressing. I wish there was someone that I could talk to but everyone that I have ever trusted or opened up myself to has stabbed me in the back so deep that the pain is never forgotten. And so the decision is mine to put up the likes of a Berlin Wall to keep out intruders who will hurt me if they get a chance. I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. I might as well just die. Who would miss me? Absolutely no one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
